Army to Recruit Goons and Gangsters
14 March 2015
New Delhi: Gangsters and goons may soon be allowed to fight on battlefront.
The Ministry of Defence is working out changes to its recruitment policy. The revised policy bill proposes allowing gangsters and goons to be enrolled in army as regular soldiers.
“We are in the process of overhauling our recruitment guidelines.” Said a spokesman of MoD. “According to this, gangsters, goons, goondas, and dacoits will be allowed to apply for army recruitment.”
When Funnynomics correspondent asked the reason for such a policy change, the spokesman said that the Army was living with recruitment deficit since years, and with more youngsters opting out for other professions, the Army had no choice.
But why goons and gangsters?
"Because they have several advantages. First, they are already trained in handling arms. Most have used katta or country made revolver, so they already have the necessary skills. Second, they also know how to kill. Many soldiers face dilemma while shooting for the first time on an enemy. They simply can't pull the trigger. Some vomit. Gangsters don't have all these shortcomings."
"Finally, many gangsters are also experts in hand to hand combat - an additional qualification. They can fight with anything they can get their hands on: cricket bats, hockey sticks, cycle chains, anything. Dacoits from Chambal have shown that they can survive with very little food and water ... for days .... in difficult terrain. All these are traits of a good soldier."
But don’t you think it is against the ethics…I mean appointing charge-sheeted goons to Army?
Well....if Ayush doctors can be trusted to carry out Medical Termination of Pregnancy (MTP), then why can't goons be sent to the battlefront. This is much less riskier than asking homeopaths and vaidyas to carry out complex surgeries. Remember…Homeopaths have received no training to do that… they have so far treated patients with white pills. Ayurvedic doctors have not even examined a patient with a stethoscope or a probe. So if they can be asked to do something as tricky as abortion, I have no doubt gangsters can do the job of soldiers very well.
When Funnynomics asked soldiers about their reaction, all appeared unhappy. They said it takes much more discipline to fight on border than just the ability to carry guns. Gangsters may have handled katta but that doesn’t prepare them for harsh challenges of the battlefield. Just as Homeopaths may have treated some patients with sugar pills, but that is totally different from doing complex surgeries like MTP, gangsters can’t do justice on borders.
When Funnynomics asked the Ministry of Health about why they were allowing Ayush doctors to carry out MTP, a spokesperson said on condition of anonymity, that if Thakur Saheb in Sholay could recruit outlaws like Veeru and Jay to fight Gabbar, then why Ayush doctors can’t carry out MTP.
(Disclaimer: This news report is pure fiction, a produce of fertile imagination, and none of the people, organizations, NGO, politicians, office bearers, or government officials mentioned on this page have anything to do with this topic, subject or report. Entire fabrication is meant for simple fun.)
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