India to Adopt US Dollar as National Currency
15 July 2013
Mumbai/New Delhi: Though the inflation fell below 5% in April 2013, returning to a level that the country's central bank considers “comfortable” after nearly three-and-a-half years, the government has not given up its war against the dreaded monster.
Even as bond markets cheered recent data hoping the Reserve Bank of India would continue lowering rates, adding to the three quarter-percentage-point cuts it made so far in 2013, the RBI today made a startling declaration: to adopt US Dollar as our national currency.
This was declared by the most important person in charge of the national currency: Dr. Duvvuri Subbarao, the Governor of RBI. And his reason: to tame inflation.
Talking to a cache of news-persons in Mumbai today he said inflation was still way too high and really unbearable for several sections of our society. “While lower WPI is a welcome news, we are not yet satisfied with our consumer inflation which is still high at 9.39% in April, even though it eased from 10.39% in March.”
“That is why we have decided to adopt the US Dollar.” He said. “This is the fastest way to bring the prices down. We are sick of this inflation thing…we have tried everything in our weaponry and yet it has refused to come down.”
Funnynomics correspondent was obviously taken aback and couldn’t resist asking: “So how would this adopting the USD as national currency bring inflation down?”
“Oh that is simple…look today when we buy a kilo of Basmati rice it costs about Rs. 120 per kilo. Now once we adopt the US Dollar as our currency, the price would be suddenly 2 dollars a kilo at the current exchange rate of Rs. 60 per dollar. Now when the people will find number 2 written in place of usual 120 as price for the same 1 kilo of Basmati rice, they’d feel comfortable. This is called the magic of the smaller numbers.”
But honourable sir…wouldn’t rice remain as costly as before?
“Yes..but at least people will be hurt much less watching a smaller number on price board.” Said Mr. Subbarao grinning. “Just imagine a kilo of moong dal costing 1.75, a family size toothpaste tube costing 1, a kilo of California almonds costing 8, and a Dish Antenna connection costing 20.”
“But then why not adopt Kuwaiti Dinar or Bahrain Dinar? Things then would cost even less.”
“Only a Funnynomics correspondent can ask such an intelligent question.” Dr. Subbarao said, grinning in his charming style. “But there is a reason: we want some to leave some room for future movements…if one year later the cost of things begins to rise again – which I am sure they will – we will adopt these currencies.”
Later in the day Funnynomics caught up with other political leaders to know their reaction. Uddhav Thackeray said his party will not allow circulation of US Dollars in Maharashtra as they are green in colour, which is considered offensive here due to certain reasons.
Raj Thackeray said MNS will allow USD circulation but only amongst native Marathi speaking people. “Litti-eaters will be handed over rupees as before.”
BSP Chief Mayavati said we will not allow USD till the US government prints them with the image of Master Kanshiram. “Our people don’t recognise Abraham Lincoln or Woodrow Wilson or George Washington.”
Tamilnadu CM J. Jaylalitha had a similar demand: we will not accept the USD till they are printed with the image of – you guessed it – M. G. Ramachandran. “We have already been putting up with Mahatma Gandhi backed notes for so long, but now that the change is happening, let it be wholesome.”
Baba Ramdev was also critical of the move, saying that it will further erase the line between white money and black. “All will become green.”
However the reaction of the markets was muted. Benchmark BSE index was down 4 points in choppy trade. A noted fund manager said the market is unable to figure out if such a move will indeed be better. “Yes..the prices of things will fall down drastically, but so would also the price of stocks…and that is bad news for small investor.”
(Disclaimer: This news report is pure fiction, a produce of fertile imagination, and none of the people, organisations, NGO, politicians, office bearers, or government officials mentioned on this page have anything to do with this topic, subject or report. Entire fabrication is meant for simple fun.)
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