Massive Push to India Growth Story
Chidambaram to be rested from now on. Entire ministry set to push the growth story.
29 July 2013
New Delhi/Mumbai: The government has decided to hardsell India Growth Story.
This was disclosed by the Minister of State for Finance Namo Narain Meena in Rajya Sabha today during question and answer session. He said it was being felt that Mr. P. Chidambaram was exerting himself too much trying to sell the IGS to foreign investors and the time had come when entire government needed to throw its weight behind him.
“Since assuming office in July 2012 he has travelled to the US, EU, Japan Singapore, Hong Kong, and several other countries with one single agenda: sell IGS…but now entire government machinery will back his efforts.”
Towards this, the Finance Ministry has already asked ad agencies to make a 15 minute infomercial on IGS. (The script is written by Mr. Chidambaram himself while the background score is by A. R. Rehman.) The IGS will also be published in the form of a booklet, edited by none other than Planning Commission Deputy Chief Montek Singh Ahluwalia and Chief Economic Advisor Raghuram Rajan.
This apart, IGS will also be printed in the format of AMAR CHITRA KATHA. (A representative of ACK Media said though Mr. Pai is no more, they will see to it that his magic reflects in this major work.)
The booklet, the Amar Chitra Katha version and the DVDs of IGS will then be packaged in small gift cartons to be sold (distributed) throughout the world. Though main sales push will be through supermarkets/shopping malls in EU, US, and Japan, a few counters will be opened in Singapore, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and UAE as well, given that these countries have sizeable sovereign wealth funds.
During a press conference in Delhi today a group of ministers announced all the schemes about to be launched around IGS. Mr. Anand Sharma, the Commerce Minister, said the government will soon open sales counters near IMF and World Bank headquarters as well as at EU headquarters in Brussels in an effort to sell IGS to most important target group. Special counters will also be opened in Mauritius, Cayman Islands, Isle of Man, San Marino, Liechtenstein, British Virgin Islands, Jersey, and other offshore tax havens which are popular origination points for investors coming to India.
Minister of Civil Aviation said his ministry was planning to air-drop IGS while flying through Mauritius and Manhattan, so that IGS could be taken to as many global investors as possible.
Minister of State for Commerce & Industry Dr. D. Purandeswari said very soon IGS will be sold at every airport in the world. “In several leading airports the duty free shops will be selling IGS. Joint promotions are also being worked out at Dubai Duty Free shops to club IGS with products like Black Label, Smirnoff, Glenfiddich, Mars, Snickers, Ferrero Rocher, Bounty, 555, and Davidoff.” She further informed that a special team was about to travel to Havana to strike a deal with Cuban cigar manufactures to wrap their famous cigars in IGS marked foil.
Meanwhile, all the Immigration officials on all airports and seaports have been instructed to sell IGS. According to a Immigration Bureau communication, as soon as a foreigner presents his passport for entry into the country, he will be handed a copy of IGS and will be given his passport back only when he buys (agrees with) IGS. No entry for those who refuse to buy (believe) IGS.
The promotions will be within the country as well. All the government owned vehicles will carry a ready stock of IGS.
Online selling also will be given massive push. Amazon.com has agreed that it will sell (distribute) IGS with each shipment till 2014 (or till the time the next general elections are announced).
Flipkart, Indiaplaza, Jabong, eBay, and several other online stores will partner in similar arrangements.
Moving a step ahead, HomeShop 18 is reported to have shot an entirely new episode around IGS.
The manufacturers of premium Darjeeling teas have also agreed to inscribe the words IGS on all their tea bags being exported.
These apart, the Information and Broadcasting Minister Manish Tewari said the government has also decided to give IGS a massive push on the television. “From now on the government ministers will appear only on those channels who allot 30 minutes of air time every day to sell IGS.”
The Mumbai correspondent of Funnynomics learned that Bollywood has been given clear instructions to sell IGS. The directors will have to shoot scenes in such a way that they reflect the spirit of IGS. Cinematographers have been told that movie sets must visualise the essence of IGS.
Besides, from now on all top actresses will have to wear pendants shaped IGS, specially when there are revealing their cleavages.
It is also learned that Katrina Kaif has agreed to participate in a remake of Sheela Ki Jawani wearing a translucent shirt stamped with words IGS all over. She will be surrounded by foreign investors who would be trying to grab her. (Bollywood is rife with rumours that the lyricist has been asked to rewrite the lyrics to reflect the soul of IGS: “India…India ki story….I am too sexy for you…main tere saath hi jaani. Ho.ho..ho..ho..”)
Funnynomics called on several political parties to have their views. Raj Thackeray of MNS said while he supports IGS it must be renamed in Marathi as BHARAT VAADH KATHA or at least BHARAT GROWTH KATHA, given that basically IGS is all about what happens in Mumbai, the financial capital of India.
BSP Chief Mayavati wants an emblem to the story; and as you can understand, her choice is elephant. She said elephant represents everything about IGS in a perfect manner: its slow, its bulky, and slightly wobbly.
As the Funnynomics reporter left the GoM press conference hall, she saw glossy posters of India Growth Story littered all around the place. A few beggars and rag pickers were looking and them and wondering what was it all about?
(Disclaimer: This news report is pure fiction, a produce of fertile imagination, and none of the people, organisations, NGO, politicians, office bearers, or government officials mentioned on this page have anything to do with this topic, subject or report. Entire fabrication is meant for simple fun.)
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